I owe you an apology. I told you last week I would share with you the secrets of Sedona and beguile you with tales from a gated community on the outskirts of Phoenix. And then, as mysteriously as the disappearance of the Anasazi, I was stricken with a cold. And this wasn’t any cold, this was easily the illest I have been in decades…maybe my whole life. It was the first time in 20-ish years I dipped into NyQuil. At some point in the 1990s I had heard a Dennis Leary comedy bit about NyQuil and sometime after that stopped taking it. Until Friday.
I got busy with it Friday morning, grabbed the pups and turned on Sonic Highways, because I needed something to fall asleep to. At some point I woke up and talked with the UPS driver about the incredible strength exhibited by carrying the bag of dog food up to my house like that. Additional information: I didn’t bring the dog food in from the front step. Which means I talked to the driver, then simply shut the door on them. At this point, a Fast and the Furious film was one. Or at least Ludacris was on my screen. It appears as though I made tacos.
I woke up later and Full Metal Jacket was on. I may have made tacos again. Or I just ate applesauce. The texts from this whole ordeal are strangely coherent and not the most ridiculous texts I’ve ever sent. I went back to sleep. At some point I made it to bed and I also remember Peter Sarsgaard being on my screen. Saturday was similar but started with what I can only assume is a NyQuil hangover that carries with it a headache that requires a whole different kind of medicine. I watched Mad Men.
By Sunday, I could remember what day it was and I started to get my shit back together. We’ll see how long this holds.
Arizona part 1:
The first thing you notice about Arizona is the trafffic. MFers love to sit in traffic down there. Whatever number someone kicks out as an estimate of how long it will take to get somewhere, double it. Even things not involving driving take forever. Trader Joe’s checkout people are running at like 12 IPMs (that’s Items Per Minute to those not in the Grocersphere). You and your broders want to take a six mile hike? Cool, it’ll be nine miles. The only thing that took less time than expected was the time it took to crush these small cans of Super Dry:
But let’s back up. So Older Broder, Younger Broder and I set of a v chill 6-miler. We cracked jokes, nearly found ourselves in a Bikini Carwash situation, and took photos of big ass cacti. For real, they are way bigger than I imagined. Eventually we made it to the abandoned dam which was much less impressive than I imagined.
It was here we stopped and considered our next moves. Option 1: turn back and go down the way we came. Or, option 2: we do the full loop because it took us just under 2 hours to do almost 3 miles with a heavy vertical and it’s a six mile loop right? And out-and-back hikes are bullshit. John Muir once said “Fuck an out-and-back hike.” I think actually at one point argued that if we don’t do the full loop, I was going to kill them both and go on with out them.
Other things to note:
- I had packed only 64 ounces of water.
- It was a cool 85 degrees.
- I had only a thin layer of sunblock on.
- I was wearing Roshe Runs which are only shoes in the way sandals are shoes, in that they have a sole.
- Younger Broder was running chuck taylor’s.
- Only Older Broder wearing sensible footwear, which is fitting in so many ways.
Because I’m the whiniest of my brothers, we went full loop. which started with us climbing more:
and then climbing some more:
And eventually we got to this view
Imma let you click on that pic and CSI: Phoenix enhance the image. I encourage you to consider these elements:
- Examine the elevation shift between the vantage point and the city of Phoenix. Know that our car is parked at roughly Phoenix-level.
- Try to find the trail back to the trailhead.
- Ask yourself why a loop trail wouldn’t measure the full loop, but exclude the 3-mile spur needed to return to trailhead hike. Then ask yourself, “why can’t Greggers read a map?”
How fucking good is Aes on a track-by-track basis? Untouchable. That’s what I thought. This is worth a watch: