2016:011 But Enough About Me, This is About 2017 Snowboards

Listen, while we were out ripping shit through the goods in Tahoe, industry heads and toes were flashing their 2017s in Denver. You may have been wondering what you missed. I know I was. Constantly refreshing sosh meeds pheads while on the chair, or whenever I was stuck on a surface lift. That’s how you chase a dragon. But I had to, so I can help you avoid any mistakes next season.

I covered the silly things coming out of Mervin (though we never got to see the 2017 Danny Kass promodel). But don’t worry there is more happening.

For the most part, it’s a bunch of snowboards with carving shapes. You hear that A-man? Splits are over. Best get to carving. Or some collaborations.

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 10.18.04 PM

Burton, in classic form, goes one step forward and one step back. The Easy Living is finally available cambered, but to get it you have to buy a board with Led Zeppelin graphics. Pretty fucking sweet, if you want to feel kinda corny whenever you’re riding. Imagine if every time you hung out with your friend, they wore a Led Zeppelin shirt. I mean every god damned time. That’s what this board does for you.

Here’s the thing, if you’re wearing a band tee, you have to be ready to defend that band, and you better be willing to go for some deep cuts. If someone asks me to name my favorite Led Zeppelin track, I get to say “Uh, Immigrant Song, because of the Valhalla reference and all that shit.” No one expects more. But, if you’re wearing a Led Zeppelin tee, and someone asks you what your favorite track is, it’s a test. If you come back with anything more popular than In My Time of Dying, you’re gonna be called out as a phony. And you better be ready to talk about Bonham’s fucking monsterous drumming on that jam.

Is this how you want to spend your winter? Talmbout LedZeps.

I mean Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant is one of the greatest albums of the past 20 years. I’ve actually sold all of my other records. Everyday it’s just me, my dogs, and those girls on the cover. But I’m still not gonna buy a board with that imagery, or any sort of Belle & Sebastian collab. Can you imagine the on-hill bullying I would face?

Shit.

Oh-hey! Here’s sweet jocko-collab that should really go nowhere, but will probably do great at Dick’s or whatever big box is keeping Ride afloat these days.

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 10.16.24 PM

Fucking Ride. Knocking off the old Rumorator.com logo. Then releasing really great pieces like this:

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 10.16.01 PM

Allegedly, according to Snowboard (where I lifted all of these images), the image on the Kink is supposed to represent each member of the team. So I guess that’s Hanna Beaman in the tent? And where’s the Crockpot?

Lets talk more about the tropes of snowboarding. Check this:

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 9.21.18 PM

Ignore the dude on the screen and that jersey, focus on the obscured messaging. 32 is coming hard for 2017 and sticking with “Rider Driven Snowboarding”. Nearly every company in the industry has claimed Rider Driver status, but only 32 is willing to base their entire branding campaign around what all other brands treats as a throw-away line. I assume 32 carries a Michael Kors handbag. Basics.

I’m currently so bummed with the snowboard scene for not even trying to come up with something new from a marketing aspect. In fact the only thing more hack, is the comments section of Snowboard for this story.

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 9.22.30 PM

Bro, while I respect your nod to racing legend and Wisconsin native, Dick Trickle, your comments are old, non-constructive and completely without merit.

Well this is weird:

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 10.19.02 PM

I can only assume this is a classic SIA trick, from the golden days of the show in Vegas. It seems Mervin heisted a board from Joe Sexton’s new line, Public.

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 10.19.31 PM

 

Okay, okay…I get it. The Mervin deck is a mix of Bauhaus and Mondrian styles, while the Public logo is more purely Bauhausian. In further contrast, the Public decks are clearly a photomontage nearly invoking the feminist post-modernism of Martha Rosler, only to take an electro-punk swerve at the last minute.

Whatever, I can tell you this: The Mervin board is 100% garbage barge, made near Canada!

 

4 Comments

on “2016:011 But Enough About Me, This is About 2017 Snowboards
4 Comments on “2016:011 But Enough About Me, This is About 2017 Snowboards
    • Something like that. Whatever, no one is going to buy them. Side-note: Big B’s new step-in system should be out for 2018.

      Why hash when you can re-hash?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *