Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu!
Bloods and Bleeds, let’s now celebrate the fact we made it to y2k16. I hope everyone’s atm cards are still working. If not, hopefully those gold bars you stashed in the attic and crawlspace still talk.
I can only assume we all survived the war…that annual spat we, as consumers, have with Christmas. Any casualties? I mean apart from any remaining love I had for my family. JOAKS. Thanks to lorazepam, I can totally tolerate my family. And even after ripping through 1/2 a bottle of Havana Club, I woke up the next day feeling like a million dollars. A true Christmas fucking miracle. Mele Kalikimaka indeed.
But this isn’t Scandinavia, the yule is donezo. We’re all back at the office. Sweating it. Thinking about how it’s gonna be day-in day-out for the next six months. Relentlessly. You’re under the thumb, slave to the almighty dollar. Somehow you gotta cash grab to stash tabs and flash slabs.*
Or maybe this is The Year of Chris, or Len, or Paolo or whatever. Well, we’re all on track to break out this year, right? Maybe you have your New Yeez resos all lined up. Maybe you’re just trying to keep your head up. Stop that water that’s filling your lungs. I GET IT. And I got you.
Feel free to use any of these resolutions as your own.
- Better Methods.
- Stop using these phrases “Golden Age of Television”, “Lit” and “Lovecraftian Hellscape”.
- Learn to bake proper bread.
- Really make the most of that “$1 off two packs” deal for cigs.
- Start using the phrase “Houellebecqian dystopia”.
- Start flossing 2 weeks before your next dental appointment.
- Get through another 12 months making those around you laugh, while you struggle to keep yourself alive every fucking minute.
- Launch 2 new websites.
- Bi-weekly think pieces on the perceived importance of Transparent.
- Don’t forget about June, America’s microdosing month.
- Fill at least one pair of Yeezy’s with piss.
- Make as many waitstaffers as possible feel bad about your dietary needs.
- Discuss the monster that is Bill Cosby while watching football with your friends, without irony.
- Get some better looking sunniegees.
- Claim completist status on the Arby’s extended menu.
- Run 500 miles. Bike 3000 miles. Snowboard 35 runs.
- Make “clippers” and “slabs” happen.
You guys remember surfing?
Of course you do. With those proper tans and bikini butts all over the place. Boss dudes tossing sweet kick outs. Yeah, you remember that shit.
Anyway, everyone knows it works like this: All snowboarders want to be skateboarders. All skateboarders want to vape pros. And all vape pros want to be surfers.
And surfers know this. That’s why there are surf nazis (or, if you’re watching The Man In the High Castle, they’re called überwellenwaffe fahrer). And these surfers, these surreptitious water goers, they’re trying to throw off all of us, by making surfing as unappealing as possible with this clipper right here:
Let’s address what’s happening here:
- Horrible fucking voice-over. I can only assume this dude speaking is the Australian Travis Rice of Surfing. “Oh god, Travis tell me how scary it is to be you. How you lay ’em on the line errday, for that rush, that ultimate feeling of just jocking so hard.”
- Energy drink sponsorship.
- This wave is called “The Right”. That’s it, just The Right and if that wasn’t knarled to fuckall, it’s also ridiculously scary.
- Slow-motion into a EDM break.
- More slowzers with over-orchestrated strings.
- A tugger in peril, which I can only assume is the surfing equivalent to a heli lifting off from the summit, after it drops T. Rice in place for some new insane-o decent.
- Back to EDM.
That right there is seven reasons why this film should really be unwatchable, and put any sane person to sleep. But, fuck dude, surfing is so rad. And that wave looks crazed. How are you not gonna watch it?
Yeah, I saw it. I ripped through it like the rest of you. I don’t know what to think. I remember when that trial was happening, and that dude and his nephew were, without question, guilty. But no one told me how fucked up the case was. So yeah, I watched Making a Murderer. I hated it for so many reasons. But go watch it.
*Slabs is wooden bricks