2015:049 On The Media, Like Bob Garfield, or whatever

End of the year is setting in haaaard. This dude over here is just trynna get to 50. Pushing up into that almost-elite-bloggerman level, but still wallowing in the mucky muck of so many dead weblogs. I’ll high-step through the slop, you just try to keep up.

1nd:The New Gonz Gap or whatever.Screen Shot 2015-12-22 at 5.34.38 PM

Apparently this is the new mandatory spot to hit. I mean, even Too Hard hit this sport. Hell, Lumberg fucked her.

2th: The New Blue Crush, or whatever

I’m all down for kickstartering films, so long as the movie looks like it’s going to be rad. Or they promise me coffee, like Leanne Pelosi did.

And now we’re looking down the barrel of Aeris, from Lukas Hoffman.

AERIS Indigogo Campaign from Lukas Huffman on Vimeo.

Man, this is a tough one.

Over on the TGR weblog, Huffman gives us the hard sell with “The fun of creating this story is that I took a very typical “sports genre” plotline, but placed in the snowboard world and created an atypical hero.” So it’s a pretty typical sports movie story with an atypical hero. And that atypical hero is…wait for it…a young woman.

Good damn it. I think visually this is going to be a fine movie. Shred flicks are always great to watch, but it’s like porno–why do we need to force in some clunky storyline? Listen, I was a pizza deliverist for years and not once did I stumble into a room full of college girls wanting to get down, and not once have I ever thought, “I wish this snowboard flick was 90 minutes long with some weak plot”.

Also, there’s nothing quite like a whyte man writing the story of a young woman to really give it an honest portrayal.

3st: A Christmas Release Seems Appropriate, or whatever

CTDTBTB

Apparently, we’re all to trust this is going to be a sizzler, because those dudes over at TGNP aren’t giving us any sounds. That said, it’s going to be a sizzler. It’s from MAKR who gave us this:

4st Big News From Big B

It seems Donna C is taking the reins over at Industrial Parkway. Donna has been heavily involved in Burton Girls for the past few years, and I think it’s fair to point out that Burton currently has fewer women on their global team than they have in the past decade. So, clearly that program is crushing. I’d like to act like this is a big deal and we should care, but it’s not important.

Here’s something more exciting. A classic bit from rumoratordotscom. April 20, 2012.

I’m not a writer. I mean, sure I type words and make marks with pens and pencils, but I’m more of an ideas man. It’s only because of my crippling lisp that I have to use words to communicate my genius. Thus, I am a writer, not a lecturer. And as a writer I have become accustomed to the ever-popular “rejection.” Both from ladies and literary outlets.

Today, I present you with my latest idea, communicated through words, that has been rejected from the pages of Real Simple magazine.

Dear Real Simple Editors:
It’s been a while, eh chums? Before I progress with my surefire piece, I must apologize for the balloons filled with duck urine. It seemed like a harmless prank at the time. And who could have predicted they would burst? On your new couch made of popsicle sticks and cat hair no less. If any amount of money could replace such a one-of-a-kind item, I would certainly offer it.

But, on to more pressing matters. Below you will find easy-to-follow instructions for the creation of an Oddities Museum at home. I’m sure your readers will love it!

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a pair of Oakley Blades. Label this “Abe Lincoln’s Sunnies!”

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add all of the fortune cookie fortunes you have collected from that take-out place around the corner over the past six months. Label this “Chinese New Year.”

  • Hang a picture of your father, before he turned to drug use to escape the horrors that were his life. In this picture he is playing flag football. You suspect he might be in fourth or fifth grade. The frame is cheaply made of plastic. Label this “Lil Superstar.”*

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add Lo Pan. Label this “Lo Pan.”

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a baby (a doll would work here as well). Label this “Dubstep.”

  • Fill a Mason jar will with formaldehyde, and add Zooey Deschanel. Label this “The Shittiest Version of the 1960’s We Could Come Up With in the Early 2000s.”

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a VHS tape of Dances With Wolves that has been taped over to record the 1992 Grammy Awards pre-show. (TimeSavers Tip!™: You needn’t really tape over this Kevin Costner classic, you can just say you did. No one actually has a VCR with which to prove you wrong anyway. Real museums use this technique all the time with things like dinosaurs). Label this “American History.”

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a man riding a bike with no hands. But you need to be sure the man has no hands. I mean, that’s what makes it the oddity. Label this: “Blood Sport.”

  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde. Label this “Kombucha, essentially.”

  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde, add a shark. Label this “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living: the remix.”

* This piece is on loan from your grandmother.

Thanks guys. Please be sure to let me know when you’re publishing this one. I’m smelling Pulitzer!

Sincerely,

Greg from Rumorator.com

Man, that was a lifetime ago. I also want to point out the early signs of interest in Damien Hirst works.

Is Real Simple even a magazine any more?

Die Heavy.

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