2015:024 The Treachery of Light

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In some sense, this is an old man rant about Daylight Saving Time. You think you see the hours. Ceci n’est pas l’obscurité.

Pretty soon, we’ll need to slip into that ICNY gear, because the Nike Flash gear sold out way to fast and was stupid, just to go for a run.

Freaking out is a somewhat natural. Your world is about to get rocked. We’re creeping up on that twice-yearly event reminding us time is a construct. It is simply an attempt by whyte folks to control the things around them. Dudes probably spent a few years trying to control the sun, but finally figured it would be easier to control the people.

“Listen up, Americanos. Understanding nature is really hard for us, so we’re going to fuck with the clocks for a while. Even though, in a few months, we’re going to undo what we’ve done here today. We all cool with that?”

Ridiculous. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

Anyway, to help you adjust, I’ve compiled this list of life hacks so you can get more from each precious moment of daylight.

  • Start telling people how you really feel when they ask, “how are you?” Soon, no one will ask anymore. There is a small time investment up front, but in the big picture you’re going to be a lot better off.
  • Save time in kitchen by not doing dishes until Spring.
  • Change your LinkedIn profile pic to an image of your genitals. No longer will you waste time reading and deleting messages from corpo recruiters. You don’t want to work for those soul-suckers anyway.
  • Steal
  • Jerk-off while simultaneously plowing through 3 Sausage-and-Egg Biscuits and a McGriddle (gotta balance that salty with the savory, you fucking monster) between 6 and 6:30pm. Combining the events provides a more efficient and efficacious path to shame.
  • Combine your VapeVines™ into a power reel to be played at your funeral. Imagine your family’s and friends’ faces as the video rolls. Six seconds at a time, the room around you fills with a cloud of sadness. Fetty Wap plays in the background.
  • Unroll a condom and drape it over your ear to attract potential sexual partners. Use a banana-flavored condom to let people know you’re DFBS*.
  • Turn the shortest days into the longest days by sticking your college diploma to the bathroom mirror. Stare at it each morning. Let the guilt, disappointment and self-hate come over you. This will make each day of your miserable fucking life seem a little bit longer.
  • Don’t worry, Daylight starts increasing again in just 3 months!

 

 

*Down For Butt Stuff

 

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